I'm going to be supercereal here for a moment

Love.

Yes seriously.

Love is what makes me happy. Fuck money and fuck everything else that comes along with it all. I'm so sick of people basing their worth just on a simple piece of paper that comes and goes so fast that we could barely even realize it's there. I look at people who have more money than they know what to do with and they are so fucking miserable. I'm happy and yes I know that my boyfriend doesn't have a job and yes I know I'm paying for everything but let's break that down for a moment.

Mikey came into my life at a time where I was so unhappy and all I wanted was one thing... unconditional love. I was married to someone who couldn't do that for me anymore and when things took a turn for the worst, I got out as soon as I could. Here come Mikey and he was my knight in shining armor. Granted, he's not a millionaire or lived in a fancy mansion on the top of a hill but he brought something my heart craved... love.

When I come home each day, he greets me with a kiss and hug. He asks me how my day went and he makes an effort to keep me happy. Yes, we are struggling but in all honesty, what red-blooded american family isn't right now? There are always decisions to be made about bills and groceries and day to day necessities but I'm okay with that. He helps me in ways that money couldn't even fathom doing. He is my emotional rock and support and it's all I need. He's my friend, my lover and my confidant. I can tell him anything and he's never judgemental of what I have to say. I love him with all my being and I cannot wait for the day that he makes me his wife. I look forward to carrying his last name.

So to those few people who can't seem to understand why I stick by a man who "can't support me," just think of it this way. He supports me in more ways than money, and at least I have that going for me. Enjoy your unhappy existence depending upon a man to pay for your life. Mine pays me in love. That's the best gift ever.

Stuffed Zucchini w/ Prosciutto

Stuffed Zucchini

6 medium zucchini
3 eggs
5 to 6 tablespoons dry breadcrumbs
3 tablespoons freshly grated Parmesan
1 tablespoon butter, melted
6 ounces Prosciutto, cut into strips
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons olive oil

Steam the whole zucchini for approximately 8 minutes, or until tender. Let cool. Remove ends and cut zucchini in half. Using a melon baller, scoop out center of the 12 zucchini boats. Reserve zucchini for another purpose.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a small bowl, beat the eggs. Stir in the breadcrumbs, cheese, butter, and ham. Mix well. Transfer mixture to a small skillet and cook until no liquid remains. Season with salt and pepper.

Fill zucchini boats with mixture. Pour the olive oil, plus 2 tablespoons water into a large baking dish. Bake for 20 minutes. Serve as side dish, or first course.

Fantastical blog post #3 (AKA I had nothing to name this)

I should be writing. Yes, I know this. I see chapter 3 staring me down like a fat kid that I just stole his last twinkie. The thing is this. I'm worried. I've always found it easier to display my feelings and things like that into words on paper than to utter it out of my mouth. However, things are changing. The boyfriend saw me separating out clothes on the floor and he's become really receptive to me when I get upset. I clean everything. It's my way of letting everything go. I just don't know how to say what needs to be said sometimes.

My secrets?

I just want things to be easier. When I told my mom this, she laughed at me. She said, "Sweetie, nothing gets easier in life. If nothing else, it gets harder." That's what's worrying me. I see my dad who's going through something I can't even imagine going through. I'm beginning to lose people that I once thought would live forever and now I'm dealing with health issues of my own and it scares me.

So I sit here this morning eating my healthy apple/cinnamon/cranberry muffin and drinking nothing but water b/c I'm scared to drink anything else for a while. I'm tired of worrying, and I'm tired of being scared. I just don't know how to get past all that.

My "Aha!" Moment

Everyone has one. It's the moment when you realize so many things about yourself and what it truly means to be happy.

My "AHA" moment came last night while hooked up to an IV for being dehydrated. I went in with heart palpitations and just general anxiety and I couldn't understand why my heart was racing so hard.

So as the doctors, and nurses rushed to put the EKG monitor on me, I'll admit I was scared to death. I hated not knowing why I was feeling so bad and why there was such a crushing in my chest. Of course I immediately thought the worst and figured something was seriously wrong with me.

When the doctor broke it down to just being dehydrated, I immediately felt so much better. My heart rate went down significantly and as I lay in bed, I stared up at the ceiling thanking my lucky stars that nothing was wrong.

Then something happened that completely changed my life.

About thirty minutes after the nurse hooked up my IV to replenish my fluids, a new patient came in just on the other side of the curtain. I barely saw who it was at first but of course with just a curtain on the other side of me, I realized what was going on.

He was a 16 year old cancer patient with shortness of breath. He was going through something I could never fathom and yet, when I finally caught a glimpse of him, he was all smiles. This boy who is fighting for his life was taking everything in stride and nothing seemed to bother him, even when they told him they may have to do a chest tube. He took it with a grain of salt, never once complaining about anything they were having to do to him. I only twenty minute before he walked in complained that my IV was bothering me.

By the time I left last night, I was no longer concerned about my dehydration, or my shortness of breath. I was more concerned for that 16 year old boy who was almost half my age, and had never fully lived life yet. I was in awe of his ability to let nothing bother him and his mother was the same way. She was there as support and wouldn't let anything bother her.

I realized something, last night and today. I may worry about the small things like light bills and rent or when I'm going to finally get a car, but all that is nothing in comparison to what it's like to fight for your life. So many things have been put into perspective for me and I've learned a very valuable lesson out of it all.

A guy wise beyond his years told me Sunday morning, "I've learned to not sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff… there are so many things that I've got going on too, but if I worry about everything, it will put me into an early grave…" For once, I got it. It took him saying that, the death of a friend and a 16 year old cancer patient for me to realize that life is too short to worry about the things we cannot control. We need to look at life as a gift, something to live to the fullest. We should cherish those moments we have with one another and not worry so much about those things that we can't control.

So as I sat out at Victory Lane with Mikey during lunch, everything hit me at once. The weight was lifted from my chest… the tightness that had lingered for so long disappeared… the feeling of drowning was gone and the stress depleted as I soaked in the sun and listened to the wind blow through the weeping willow trees. I feel free, vibrant and lifted. I think it was Gods way of saying, "See, I told you… if you would just let it all go, I'd take care of you." And he's right.

For once, I feel free, not stressed and completely happy.

So today, I keep in my mind and my heart that 16 year old boy and his family. I cannot imagine the struggles they face in the future, but I pray that everything works out for them. And if I could see him again, I would tell him thank you.