e.e. cummings - I forgot about you!

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

What I learned from Modest Mouse

Float On - Modest Mouse

I backed my car into a cop car, the other day.

Well he just drove off, sometimes life's ok.

I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say.

Well you just laughed it off, it was all ok.

And we'll all float on, ok. And we'll all float on, ok.

And we'll all float on, ok. And we'll all float on any way, well.

A fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam.

It was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand.

Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands.

Good news will work its way to all them plans.

We both got fired on exactly the same day.

Well we'll float on good news is on the way.

And we'll all float on, ok.

And we'll all float on, ok. And we'll all float on, ok.

And we'll all float on, alright. Already we'll all float on.

Translation: We'll have our ups, we'll have our downs... but we'll all float on to better things eventually. Keep your head up... we'll all Float on.

dear 16 year old self...

Hey it's me, from your 30 year old future. I have some things to tell you that I think you should know before you do them.

1.) Remember that no matter what, your parents have your interest at heart.

2.) Don't graduate next year.

3.) Go ahead and enjoy his company now. You will marry him, you will get divorced, but you'll end up okay.

4.) Learn to take care of kids early. You'll thank me later for this when you are raising three of them.

5.) Go to college. No ifs, ands or buts. Quit being lazy.

6.) Pay attention in math.

7.) You are beautiful. You'll appreciate your figure when you turn 30 and have had three kids.

8.) Don't worry about what people say about you. They grow just as old as you and have the same problems. (Some of them get fat, old and bald... you'll see).

9.) Appreciate your high school experience. You'll miss it.

10.) Get a summer job. Like I said, quit being lazy.

11.) Pay attention to the guys at ROTC summer camp. You'll fall in love with one of them one day.

If life were easy, and not so fast...

... I wouldn't think about the past." - Roggae: Phish

I remember the first time I heard that song. I was recovering from a major bout of depression and realized that I'd gotten myself into something that I had no idea if I could come back from. Eventually I made it out alive but it makes me wonder what brought me to that point in my life. Was it out of selfishness or was it something I couldn't handle? Either way, for four years of my life, I dealt with something and it sucked.

But I sit here today, totally free of all my medication and free of all the troubles and heartache that I not only caused myself, but those closest to me.

I'm beginning to get frustrated again though. I don't know if it's boredom taking over again or the need to for something different in my life. I'm trying to not pay it any attention but I really, really want out of the job I currently hold. I know I'm worth more than what I'm getting paid and it sucks to sit in that office day in and day out and know that I'm not going to make any more money. I guess that's why I force myself to work so hard so I don't have to endure all of it for the rest of my life. So far, I'm on the right path and I'm proud of myself. I'm just trying to stick with it and hopefully it'll get better.

Then maybe, just for once, I can stop thinking about the past.

I'm going to be supercereal here for a moment

Love.

Yes seriously.

Love is what makes me happy. Fuck money and fuck everything else that comes along with it all. I'm so sick of people basing their worth just on a simple piece of paper that comes and goes so fast that we could barely even realize it's there. I look at people who have more money than they know what to do with and they are so fucking miserable. I'm happy and yes I know that my boyfriend doesn't have a job and yes I know I'm paying for everything but let's break that down for a moment.

Mikey came into my life at a time where I was so unhappy and all I wanted was one thing... unconditional love. I was married to someone who couldn't do that for me anymore and when things took a turn for the worst, I got out as soon as I could. Here come Mikey and he was my knight in shining armor. Granted, he's not a millionaire or lived in a fancy mansion on the top of a hill but he brought something my heart craved... love.

When I come home each day, he greets me with a kiss and hug. He asks me how my day went and he makes an effort to keep me happy. Yes, we are struggling but in all honesty, what red-blooded american family isn't right now? There are always decisions to be made about bills and groceries and day to day necessities but I'm okay with that. He helps me in ways that money couldn't even fathom doing. He is my emotional rock and support and it's all I need. He's my friend, my lover and my confidant. I can tell him anything and he's never judgemental of what I have to say. I love him with all my being and I cannot wait for the day that he makes me his wife. I look forward to carrying his last name.

So to those few people who can't seem to understand why I stick by a man who "can't support me," just think of it this way. He supports me in more ways than money, and at least I have that going for me. Enjoy your unhappy existence depending upon a man to pay for your life. Mine pays me in love. That's the best gift ever.

Stuffed Zucchini w/ Prosciutto

Stuffed Zucchini

6 medium zucchini
3 eggs
5 to 6 tablespoons dry breadcrumbs
3 tablespoons freshly grated Parmesan
1 tablespoon butter, melted
6 ounces Prosciutto, cut into strips
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons olive oil

Steam the whole zucchini for approximately 8 minutes, or until tender. Let cool. Remove ends and cut zucchini in half. Using a melon baller, scoop out center of the 12 zucchini boats. Reserve zucchini for another purpose.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a small bowl, beat the eggs. Stir in the breadcrumbs, cheese, butter, and ham. Mix well. Transfer mixture to a small skillet and cook until no liquid remains. Season with salt and pepper.

Fill zucchini boats with mixture. Pour the olive oil, plus 2 tablespoons water into a large baking dish. Bake for 20 minutes. Serve as side dish, or first course.

Fantastical blog post #3 (AKA I had nothing to name this)

I should be writing. Yes, I know this. I see chapter 3 staring me down like a fat kid that I just stole his last twinkie. The thing is this. I'm worried. I've always found it easier to display my feelings and things like that into words on paper than to utter it out of my mouth. However, things are changing. The boyfriend saw me separating out clothes on the floor and he's become really receptive to me when I get upset. I clean everything. It's my way of letting everything go. I just don't know how to say what needs to be said sometimes.

My secrets?

I just want things to be easier. When I told my mom this, she laughed at me. She said, "Sweetie, nothing gets easier in life. If nothing else, it gets harder." That's what's worrying me. I see my dad who's going through something I can't even imagine going through. I'm beginning to lose people that I once thought would live forever and now I'm dealing with health issues of my own and it scares me.

So I sit here this morning eating my healthy apple/cinnamon/cranberry muffin and drinking nothing but water b/c I'm scared to drink anything else for a while. I'm tired of worrying, and I'm tired of being scared. I just don't know how to get past all that.